PandaHeadCurry: Writing Contest!

Got this on the APA yahoogroup today and I can’t wait to share it with you guys:

Very fair writer Dina Zaman wrote this post (a blatant spam):

“Fair and Lovely has come up with a short story competition. 12 winners, 9 of which would get a cash price of RM500 and be published in Harian Metro the top 3 would get a cash price of RM3,000 get published in Harian Metro AND their stories would be adapted into TV dramas, which would be directed by Osman Ali.

Each story in Malay should not be more than 2,000 words, with an interesting title. A4, double spaced. Send it in before the 31st of July 2007. Fair and Lovely Mini Novella Penuh Hasrat Hatiku.. bla, bla, bla”

and here’s Panda’s reply, an excellent attempt which in the ideal world should won him a trailer-load of Fair & Lovely!

Subject: [APA] Writing Contest! | Importance: High

>transformation in the live of a woman in her quest to reach her goals and dreams.
>published in Harian Metro

In order to meet the stringent standards of that fine publication, the following elements are necessary:

a) Black Metal
b) Harussani
c) Jabatan Pengguna Islam
d) Malay people
e) Clueless, Confused and Angry Malay people
f) Brickfields OCPD
g) Strange deaths.

The protagonist needs to be a Malay, Venom Listening, Devil Worshipping, Goat Riding, Black Metal Slut who sees the light and TRANSFORMS.

Plot summary:

Falling deathly ill after eating a salmonella tainted Ramly Burger Special from her lover’s (Mohd Khalid Syed Ahmad At-Tarmizi Al-Bukhari or “Bob”) stall after being held at Brickfields Police Station after the OCPD ordered a raid on a Black Metal gig at Paul’s Place, the protagonist sees visions of Harussani engaging the band Venom (the Cronos, Anton and Rage line up) in combat with a flaming kris. “De debil is ebil! Benom is ebil musik! Who yo’ daddy?” he screams, dispatching the band members. When he finishes them off he walks to her, and performs a Vulcan Mind Meld.

She sees her Purpose.

Upon recovering, she sheds her Whore of Babylon born from a Jackal (mom’s side) ways. She discards her strap ons, leather and PVC fetish wear, goat restraints and pentagram bling. Then, she goes to the registrar’s office to her change name from “Siti Sil-khannas binti S. Atan” to “Khadijah Aeisha Zainab Safiyya Noor Noor Noor Noor Noor Balqiah Abdullah ” (“Mak Lah” to her friends).

She becomes Muslimah Ninja Psychic Assassin – The Gloved Fist of God.

The registrar recognizes the divine transformation in Mak Lah and begs her to seek out and destroy Lina Joy, who had recently shamed her department.

Mak Lah dons her special kevlar burqa and utility belt then takes Lina on in a hot girl-girl, jello wrestling, catfight fantasy sequence. (Music for this scene: Ben’s Bitches – Sexercise)

In Psychic Assassin mode she continuously receives mental commands from Harussani to destroy all his enemies.

She brings Sisters in Islam to their knees by hiding their Suzanne Vega box set CDs, “The L Word”, Thelma and Louise DVDs. Traumatized, some of the Sisters leave the cloister, date men and learn how to cook. The only man in SIS, Shanon Shah, stops performing Tori Amos covers, returns to his Chemical Engineering roots, becomes a process engineer in MLNG 3, Bintulu. There, he sucessfully increases plant throughput by 5% by tweaking the cryo exchanger controls’ tuning parameters. All the female technicians look at him lustfully. He beings listening to post Raindogs Tom Waits. (Music for this scene: Blur – Girls & Boys).

She teleports into the Loft and changes out Twilight Action Girl’s CDs with Raihan. TAG DJ, Daryl Goh, returns home, watches Werner Herzog’s “Strozek” on TV, puts on Iggy Pop’s “The Idiot” on the turn table, then consumes a lethal amount of durian and alcohol. He was supposed to embark on TAGs US tour the next day. He was only 24. (Decades later, Anton Corbijn makes a biopic) (Music: Joy Division – Atmosphere)

After making Malaysia safe for the Ummah, apostate and munafiks dispatched, Mak Lah sheds her invisibility powder, kevlar, shuriken and nunchuks and becomes a clerk in Persatuan Pengguna Islam Malaysia. There, she sells batik, kerepek ubi kayu and reads URTV during tea breaks.

Unfulfiled, she leaves after a few months, moves to Perak to become Harussani’s nth wife (1 < n <= 4). Using her Ninja mind over body technique, closing her eyes, ears and thinking "I'm in my safe place, I'm in my safe place. La la la la", she mates with him and bears a child (who by default is 1/4 jackal - spin off character "Quarter Jackal Boy"). (In the movie, this will be a montage - Music: Maharajah Commission - Russian Bowling) Meanwhile, Bob closes down the burger stall, hops on a bus to Perak. Armed with a sharpened stick and fortified by Bathory's "Blood, Fire, Death" blaring through headphones, he marches to the Mufti's Palace to win his love back. Harussani and Mak Lah take him on in close quarters fighting- he confuses Bob by repeatedly substituting the consonant "b" for "v" and "p" for "f". Angered and confused, Bob drops his sharpened stick and Mak Lah finishes him off, embedding an old silver strap-on in the back of his head. (Music for this scene: Ministry - Jesus Built my Hotrod) Trivia: The last word in the story was supposed to be"sphincter". But now it's not. Product placement note: While she is a Venom Listening, Devil Worshipping, Goat Riding, Black Metal Slut, she uses Fair and Lovely products to get the freshly dug corpse look. After she TRANSFORMS, no one has any idea what she looks like under her burqa. >Please include a passport size photo and a bar code from a fair and lovely >pack (Krim pencerah Multivitamin Fair and Lovely or Krim Pencerah Skin >Clarity Fair and Lovely)

Julian, do you still have your pack?

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note: no answer from Julian Mokhtar just yet…